That place between "I'm over you" and "I'm kidding myself"

As I sit here thinking about all the things I could write about that could amuse you, I find myself just simply wanting to lay out what is completely in my heart right at this very moment. Ok, here goes. I'm over it. No longer do I feel jealousy about you and other women. No longer do I hang onto when you're going to reply back to me. Truthfully, you had the moment, the time to be a friend to me. You missed that chance. I am ok with that. I don't need you to come visit me when you come back home. I don't need your empty words and superficial conversation. I don't need you skimming on the surface as a forever acquaintance. I see what you're offering me, and I'm telling you: I want more. Not more as in more money, more six pack, more biceps, more tan, more tall... No, more you. Just you. As you are. We will always be imperfect, our skin won't always be supple, and your muscles won't last forever, but that's alright. I don't care. I want your laugh, your humor, your kindness, your weirdness, even your shame, your obsessions, your losses, your fears, I want all of them. To me, your imperfectness is your beauty. There is nothing more wonderful to see how utterly human you are. When you let yourself go, when you step down from your alter, when you stop pretending to be some demi-god. When you let yourself be the man you were destined to be, and not be afraid to cry, to admit you've made mistakes, to let yourself love another, to let yourself love you, to allow me to love you. You don't have to use brawn to make me still love you or want you. Seeing you as the man God has made you to be and see you grow closer to Him is what makes me drawn to you. As a shepherd's sheep know his voice,  as they trust him to show them the way, they want to follow him. He surely is no herder. No, he draws his sheep near, they follow because they want to. You are no herder, you were meant to be a draw. Stop being this herder, you aren't him. However, my words are in vain, you will never hear them. I pray though, that when you find a woman, she would be drawn to you and you to her. I must let go. Your chance has gone, I must let go. I don't need you to come see me, I don't even need you in my life. I want you to come see me, and I want you in my life. This, you will never know, you will never understand. You are not ready. You are not ready to let go, to be you. You still hide behind your mask. I just ask: take it off, if not for me, then for everyone else who would be blessed to see the real you. Stop being this herder of people. Be this glorious man that I would love to see, who blesses me with his love and his guidance and draw to him and the Lord. The draw, not the herder.