The amazing yet troubling persona of the INFJ

Today I had an amazing massage that I had apparently needed for quite sometime. My massage therapist was getting places in my head that I never thought existed. I mean, I always knew I had muscles in my scalp and on my skull, but I never knew they hurt so dang bad! Who knew? Anyway, this is beside the point. While I was receiving this glorious massage, my massage therapist and I were talking about our personality types. When I say personality types, I am talking about the Myers-Briggs personality test that uses a questionnaire to asses the type of personality you may have. There are 16 types, which range from extroversion/introversion, intuition/sensing, thinking/feeling, and judging/perceiving. Although you may have a set of letters that describe who you are at the end of the test, a person of course can always display a number of these characteristics, it just may be that they display one more than the other. As always, no letter is better than the other, and no personality type is better than the other. This test can give you a great idea, though, as to what other personality types compliment yours and what kind of work environment you may work best in. As you can see, I love this test, and it holds much scientific validity. Knowing a lot about this test can be humorous at times, which seems really nerdy, but I can assure you it's at least a little humorous when something like this happens: "oh, so you like the Myers-Briggs, huh? What is your type." "INFJ" "oh, I see (long pause) so you must be like...super shy, make a list, and wear your heart on your sleeve." "I see we have already met." It can be fun knowing a lot about this test, but it can get in the way sometimes of people being able to get to know you. It sounds so crazy, but sometimes the preconceived notions can get in the way. However, there are times when people know about the test, and love to share about how knowing their type has helped then get in touch with a part of their personality they didn't know was there. This happened today when I met with my massage therapist who also happens to be an INFJ. This is rare, as this types only makes up 1 percent of the population ( who knows if that is really true or not). She loved to talk about how much her introversion has helped her to understand why she gets her energy from being alone. Being a fellow I, I understand the idea of thoughts raging inside your head. I think about what I am going to say before I say it, and calculate the gravity of what may come out. I also over analyze situations and pound them into the ground until there is nothing left. I could spend hours just thinking, writing, enjoying music, and time to myself. My mind is my playground, where I keep my innermost and playful thoughts, just toying with the idea of story lines, fantasies, and the wonders of the world; wanting to delve into the books of Jane Austen, be Alice in her wonderland, and seek the adventures of the world. Of course, no one one knows this. Those with more practical minds tell me to stop letting my fantasies get to me. I tell them: how sad and unsatisfying your life must be without an imagination. When she talked about her imagination, I got it. I definitely understood. It is not that she does not like being around people and only with her imagination, it's just that being an introvert, you must regain your energy from being inside yourself and turning inwards. Talking with her about this, it was so good to hear about another INFJ that felt the same way as I do about the imagination. This is the amazing part of being an INFJ. The downfall is that these thoughts can get carried away. The fantasy world can almost become something that needs to become a reality; a fixation. This can be so troubling, especially when the mind needs to cope or stop stressing over a situation. I find myself thinking and beating a situation over the head until I an exhausted from over thinking. I love to think. Possibilities are my favorite things. What if I just did this, what would be the outcome? Can I control a certain variable, can I manipulate it? While my time with my massage therapist was great in getting to talk about the mind of an INFJ, it opened my eyes up to just how much I fixate on certain things that I simply cannot control. Patience is something I need to learn to have with myself, especially things that I have to wait for and results will not come quickly. If I could let go, and let God, my life would be so much easier. This is so hard to do sometimes. How do we just let go of it all, all control? If I have let to of control somewhere, or let go of a fixation on one things, it most often goes to another. How do I be still? Sometimes I think my mind will roam forever and ever. God gave me this personality, these gifts, and this mind to use it. I just get caught up in my world sometimes, but honestly, who doesn't? Give yourself a break...it will do you a lot of good,

That place between "I'm over you" and "I'm kidding myself"

As I sit here thinking about all the things I could write about that could amuse you, I find myself just simply wanting to lay out what is completely in my heart right at this very moment. Ok, here goes. I'm over it. No longer do I feel jealousy about you and other women. No longer do I hang onto when you're going to reply back to me. Truthfully, you had the moment, the time to be a friend to me. You missed that chance. I am ok with that. I don't need you to come visit me when you come back home. I don't need your empty words and superficial conversation. I don't need you skimming on the surface as a forever acquaintance. I see what you're offering me, and I'm telling you: I want more. Not more as in more money, more six pack, more biceps, more tan, more tall... No, more you. Just you. As you are. We will always be imperfect, our skin won't always be supple, and your muscles won't last forever, but that's alright. I don't care. I want your laugh, your humor, your kindness, your weirdness, even your shame, your obsessions, your losses, your fears, I want all of them. To me, your imperfectness is your beauty. There is nothing more wonderful to see how utterly human you are. When you let yourself go, when you step down from your alter, when you stop pretending to be some demi-god. When you let yourself be the man you were destined to be, and not be afraid to cry, to admit you've made mistakes, to let yourself love another, to let yourself love you, to allow me to love you. You don't have to use brawn to make me still love you or want you. Seeing you as the man God has made you to be and see you grow closer to Him is what makes me drawn to you. As a shepherd's sheep know his voice,  as they trust him to show them the way, they want to follow him. He surely is no herder. No, he draws his sheep near, they follow because they want to. You are no herder, you were meant to be a draw. Stop being this herder, you aren't him. However, my words are in vain, you will never hear them. I pray though, that when you find a woman, she would be drawn to you and you to her. I must let go. Your chance has gone, I must let go. I don't need you to come see me, I don't even need you in my life. I want you to come see me, and I want you in my life. This, you will never know, you will never understand. You are not ready. You are not ready to let go, to be you. You still hide behind your mask. I just ask: take it off, if not for me, then for everyone else who would be blessed to see the real you. Stop being this herder of people. Be this glorious man that I would love to see, who blesses me with his love and his guidance and draw to him and the Lord. The draw, not the herder.

Heimdall, open the Bifrost. I want to go to Neverland.

Here I am, sitting at my grandfather's desk in my room at my parents house writing this entry in my new IPad, drinking water, hands dry and hurting from digging in the clay soil in our front yard, mud smeared on my forehead; happy, content. I sit here wondering about all this precious time that is going to pass before me in the next 25 months of my graduate program. I arrived home a month ago post graduation from KSU with my undergrad in Family Studies and Human Services (a "degree in mothering,"as many of my male friends called it). I miss it. The transition from living independently for five years and now moving back in with my parents has not been the easiest shift I have ever made. I love my parents, and I am grateful that they have let me live in their house rent free and pay for my food. I really have it good. There is that 23 year old young, very young part of me that is saying "no, I think I would rather spend the money I don't have so I can prove to myself just how irresponsible I can be." I would eat practically nothing, and live in a shoebox just so i can say that I do not live with my parents; ridiculous. My parents are very frugal with their money and very responsible with how they spend it. I however, am not. Money has never been an object for me. I have never in my life wanted to make a lot of money. Making enough to support my family is of course wanted, but wanting a husband who owns a yacht and three houses is not appealing to me. To each their own though. My parents do not want the same things either. They are happy with what they have, and have saved over the years. I realized that I am a horrific saver. I do not know if it is just me or my generation as a whole (or the whole United States and Europe)that has a heck of a time not spending money; money that does not exist. I have learned that this is definitely something I need to work on, however, I loathe it. Thinking about working on my finances makes me want to poke out my own eyeball. But, I must grit my teeth and bare it. Ultimately, it would do me much better than to be in debt up to my eyeballs ( if I have any left by the time I learn to save). Being a grown up is not exactly something I look forward to. No matter what I say about being independent, I talk about the part of being independent and doing whatever I want while parents foot the bills. Yeah, my kind of "independence." No, paying bills is not fun. I have only paid a few in my lifetime, so I really do not know what it's like to be self sufficient. I only think that I do. Right now, child's play. The truth is, I really do not want to grow up. I could stay this age for a long time. Not married, no children, friends, no bills, things always provided without knowing from where they came, no worries. Sounds incredibly unrealistic and selfish, does it not? It seems that time is moving slowly sometimes, and at others, incredibly fast. I just celebrated my 23rd birthday. I remember when my brother was born. He will be 12 this year. It is so hard for me to think that I will lose my last two grandparents and eventually my own parents. If I could stop time for a moment and walk through a sea of all those I have ever met, look into their eyes, see their soul, who they are, their hopes and dreams, their background, their trials and triumphs, know their children, know their family, know the deepest roots of them....oh, I would. The great thing is though, time does not have to stop for that to happen. Do it now, there is no greater time than now. You see, if I were to escape to Neverland, things would always be the same. We couldn't see others grow. Yes, we would fight hook valiently and stand for our brother and sisters against the evilness of the only grown up in Neverland, but would that fight ever end? What if Peter neve came back? Even worse, what if Peter never grew up? He would still be in Neverland fighting Hook to no end. Instead, he left. He grew up. He fought his battle with passion AND rationale. So, even though the girl in me wants to fly to Neverland, I would never grow up to fight my battles...

Learning how to be still...

Here I am sitting in one of my favorite coffee shops in Manhattan, KS and blogging about my "woes." "Woe is me! Woe is me!" It seems like much of my time is spent obsessing about things that really don't matter. For the past year, I've had the same thought in my mind about the same boy, with the same issues. Is he interested in me? What does he mean when he says that? Is he flirting with me? Why does he still say flirtatious things when he's moved away? It's absolutely frustrating, and it's been happening for the past year. I've been praying, and praying, and praying for these thoughts to just once and for all subside. No matter what I do, they never leave. It's almost to the point where I've just said "Ok, Lord, I give up. If you're not going to answer this, I won't pray." It really feels like "what's the point?" I really love the part of scripture in Exodus that says "The Lord will fight for you; you need only be still." It's funny that the name of this blog is Be Still, but I really don't know if I truly know what it means to be still. Hypocritical, yes? The Lord also says "Be still and know that I am God." How does one be still? In this time and day, we have a hard time not checking our cell phones every five minutes, or Facebook or Twitter. We tell our friends we can't hang out because "We don't have time," or "I've got too much to do," or the classic "I'm busy." I have to say I am so guilty of saying these things. I also have to admit that, yes, I really am addicted to Facebook. I check it quite often. Too often. I check it often to see if he has signed on or even just commented on something of mine. Truly and honestly, I feel pitiful and pathetic. Why am I living my life for this boy and what he won't do, when I should be living for the Lord and everything that He will do? I've had many a chat with my friends about all the ins and outs of this boy and why he does what he does. Many of it turns out "Kait, he would let you know if he wanted to see you. He would let it be known that you're his friend and he actually wants to see you. If he wanted to call you, he would." It's so hard to hear these words, but it's so true. If he wanted to make a move, he would. Simple as that. Due to my inability to not think of him in a romantic way, it's hard for me to think of his actions as simply and wholeheartedly platonic. His actions say friend, and I want them to be more. They aren't. Done. That's it. Why then, do they still plague me. The thoughts, the constant checking my news feed? Why hasn't God just answered my prayers? I can't answer that question, but I do know I can answer my own. The reason I cannot get over these thoughts is because I haven't been still and let God take care of it. By my mere anxiety over it, of course I always think about it. We're not suppose to worry, that's what God is for. By me constantly taking on that anxiety, I can never be still, and this is exactly what God has asked me to do...just. be.still. I'm still learning, and I have a long long way to go. Learning is an ongoing process, so I've got a ways to go. I hope I can take my own advice from naming this blog and learn to let go. let God. Be still.

Sunsets...

People never believe me when I say it, but Kansas has some of the best scenery and sunsets I've ever seen. It makes for taking awesome pictures and also for creating a sense of calm. The Konza Prairie has always been one of my favorite places to go and be silly with friends...

The Konza Prairie has been the extent of my scenery until today. While on a recruitment trip with KSU, we went through beautiful country through Hutchinson, Wichita, and Salina. I've never been to Salina or Hutchinson, which is in central Kansas. I'm from Kansas City, which is pretty suburban and not much to look at. I never thought I would love to look at vastness for so long. I spent the entire day in a van staring out the window at wheat fields, prairie, flint hills, and vast grassland. It was the most calming and magnificent site to behold. I wish I had taken a picture, but a picture just wouldn't do it justice. Simply google "Kansas Sunsets" to understand what I mean, but for full effect, just come spend a day in Kansas. Bring a camera, no worries, and an open mind. Spending a day here in the prairie can take away stress... trust me. Zen.

Finding peace...

Starting anything new in life can be one of the most terrifying things, especially when it comes to a job. If you're anything like me, you will have a sliver of doubt. That ugly, and almost ever present feeling in your gut that makes it churn and turn. The thoughts in the back of your mind saying "you can't do this, seriously..why are you here?" I have always struggled with self-doubt. It's not that I don't know what my strengths are and play upon them, but starting something new, even if it's in my field of work, is scary. At the very beginning when I'm just learning the ropes and how to adapt to a new environment, my introvert side comes out. I abhor it. I don't know if any of you are familiar with Meyers-Briggs, but I am an INFJ. INFJ's are unique in that they can be introvert and extrovert when needed. I love talking with and being with people, but I also love being by myself. I could spend the whole day in my room reading, listening to music, writing, or simply just daydreaming (one of my many strengths..and downfall). However, after that whole day to myself, I have to get out and be with people. I've re-energized and am ready to get back to just being with and listening to people. This can be a good thing, but when it comes to meeting new people and getting my ideas across, or expressing myself, I cannot do it. It's like my brain shuts off and vocal expression ceases to exist. It's almost like I never learned how to speak in the first place. So, when it came to meeting new people in a work place, it was incredibly scary. I'm quiet, I listen to people talk, wait for someone to provoke me....then, I will speak. Luckily, what comes out is usually good and well thought out, but it's because I've had time to rehearse. Now, once I know you, you can't get me to shut up. One could call it verbal diarrhea. No one wants it, but you deal with it because we're friends and you don't mind watching me try to clean it up with more crap verbage. My thoughts are never sorted and thought out. Like I said before, I'm and INFJ, not INTJ; We feelers can tell you all day about feelings, and sometimes, if we're lucky, it could come out semi-intelligent. For example, right now...getting off track...onward...to my point...
Due to my introverted personality and nervousness in new places, I really have to ask God for guidance. I need his guidance in all areas of my life, but this was one area I just felt I was at a loss and incredibly down on myself. I wanted my strengths to show, but all I was succeeding in was making myself look like I had no brain at all. I know I was being hard on myself and trying to take control of a situation, when I needed to let God do that for me. I wasn't trusting him to take care of me, I wanted to be independent, a strong woman; I was letting him go so I could take the reigns. Then the thought in my mind: "You're being independent in that you're being independent from God." My heart kept pulling inside my chest and I could just feel him telling me "Come back to me!" I needed wisdom. God loves me more than anything in this world ever could,  and he knows me inside and out. My every thought, I can't hide...as much as I think I can. I prayed for wisdom and discernment, humility... Goodness, when you ask for it, He provides. It may not have been in the way that I had expected, but He did. You see, God doesn't want us to be afraid of these humanly things. He doesn't want us to doubt ourselves. If only we could all see ourselves the way God sees us. If I could always think of myself as his beloved daughter that he loves and cherishes. If I could always think that there was no mistake when God made me. Unfortunately, our world is imperfect. We doubt ourselves, horrific things happen, people hate one another, and we think we're not good enough for something. Sometimes a little nervousness can be a good thing, just to make sure we're in reality, a human being, and not a crazed megalomaniac. It took some time, and it's still a struggle, but with God's guidance, I have the armor to conquer my own fears with his help. Then, I'm able to do what my passion is: Helping others to conquer their own fears and learn their ambitions... with HIS help of course...
So go, let go. What are you afraid of?
Jeremiah 29:11