Sunsets...

People never believe me when I say it, but Kansas has some of the best scenery and sunsets I've ever seen. It makes for taking awesome pictures and also for creating a sense of calm. The Konza Prairie has always been one of my favorite places to go and be silly with friends...

The Konza Prairie has been the extent of my scenery until today. While on a recruitment trip with KSU, we went through beautiful country through Hutchinson, Wichita, and Salina. I've never been to Salina or Hutchinson, which is in central Kansas. I'm from Kansas City, which is pretty suburban and not much to look at. I never thought I would love to look at vastness for so long. I spent the entire day in a van staring out the window at wheat fields, prairie, flint hills, and vast grassland. It was the most calming and magnificent site to behold. I wish I had taken a picture, but a picture just wouldn't do it justice. Simply google "Kansas Sunsets" to understand what I mean, but for full effect, just come spend a day in Kansas. Bring a camera, no worries, and an open mind. Spending a day here in the prairie can take away stress... trust me. Zen.

Finding peace...

Starting anything new in life can be one of the most terrifying things, especially when it comes to a job. If you're anything like me, you will have a sliver of doubt. That ugly, and almost ever present feeling in your gut that makes it churn and turn. The thoughts in the back of your mind saying "you can't do this, seriously..why are you here?" I have always struggled with self-doubt. It's not that I don't know what my strengths are and play upon them, but starting something new, even if it's in my field of work, is scary. At the very beginning when I'm just learning the ropes and how to adapt to a new environment, my introvert side comes out. I abhor it. I don't know if any of you are familiar with Meyers-Briggs, but I am an INFJ. INFJ's are unique in that they can be introvert and extrovert when needed. I love talking with and being with people, but I also love being by myself. I could spend the whole day in my room reading, listening to music, writing, or simply just daydreaming (one of my many strengths..and downfall). However, after that whole day to myself, I have to get out and be with people. I've re-energized and am ready to get back to just being with and listening to people. This can be a good thing, but when it comes to meeting new people and getting my ideas across, or expressing myself, I cannot do it. It's like my brain shuts off and vocal expression ceases to exist. It's almost like I never learned how to speak in the first place. So, when it came to meeting new people in a work place, it was incredibly scary. I'm quiet, I listen to people talk, wait for someone to provoke me....then, I will speak. Luckily, what comes out is usually good and well thought out, but it's because I've had time to rehearse. Now, once I know you, you can't get me to shut up. One could call it verbal diarrhea. No one wants it, but you deal with it because we're friends and you don't mind watching me try to clean it up with more crap verbage. My thoughts are never sorted and thought out. Like I said before, I'm and INFJ, not INTJ; We feelers can tell you all day about feelings, and sometimes, if we're lucky, it could come out semi-intelligent. For example, right now...getting off track...onward...to my point...
Due to my introverted personality and nervousness in new places, I really have to ask God for guidance. I need his guidance in all areas of my life, but this was one area I just felt I was at a loss and incredibly down on myself. I wanted my strengths to show, but all I was succeeding in was making myself look like I had no brain at all. I know I was being hard on myself and trying to take control of a situation, when I needed to let God do that for me. I wasn't trusting him to take care of me, I wanted to be independent, a strong woman; I was letting him go so I could take the reigns. Then the thought in my mind: "You're being independent in that you're being independent from God." My heart kept pulling inside my chest and I could just feel him telling me "Come back to me!" I needed wisdom. God loves me more than anything in this world ever could,  and he knows me inside and out. My every thought, I can't hide...as much as I think I can. I prayed for wisdom and discernment, humility... Goodness, when you ask for it, He provides. It may not have been in the way that I had expected, but He did. You see, God doesn't want us to be afraid of these humanly things. He doesn't want us to doubt ourselves. If only we could all see ourselves the way God sees us. If I could always think of myself as his beloved daughter that he loves and cherishes. If I could always think that there was no mistake when God made me. Unfortunately, our world is imperfect. We doubt ourselves, horrific things happen, people hate one another, and we think we're not good enough for something. Sometimes a little nervousness can be a good thing, just to make sure we're in reality, a human being, and not a crazed megalomaniac. It took some time, and it's still a struggle, but with God's guidance, I have the armor to conquer my own fears with his help. Then, I'm able to do what my passion is: Helping others to conquer their own fears and learn their ambitions... with HIS help of course...
So go, let go. What are you afraid of?
Jeremiah 29:11